Resiliency Tool - Acceptance Model
Acceptance Model
Bad things happen to all of us all the time. Does this mean you are going to throw your happiness out of the window just because something happened you won’t accept or like? You are developing a repertoire of tools you can use when bad things happen so you can stay happy. You learned the Happiness Shield and Pollyanna’s Game, and now you will learn the Acceptance Model. Use the Acceptance Model when negative circumstances happen outside your control.
When something bad happens usually you react to it. You find it difficult to believe something “bad” happened, that jerk hit your car, you were late on an assignment, you just got fired or dumped. This reactionary state constricts your brain instead of expanding it. Instead of reacting in the state that leads to the downward spiral, you can decide to do something different using the Acceptance Model. The model includes five steps: (1) Choose to Accept, (2) Accept (3) Practical Response, (4) Ask your Heart (5) Gratitude. Remember by using the abbreviation CAPAG.
The first step of the Acceptance Model is Choose to Accept. Everything starts with a decision. Before you go for a bike ride, you decide you want to go. Before you began this Feel Better Now Home Study®, you decided you want to feel better. Before you do anything you make a decision to do it. In the Acceptance Model you make the decision to accept the circumstance that happened. Most likely it happened in the past and is unable to be changed.
The second step is Accept. Acceptance offers us emotional neutrality so we are able to think of how to handle the situation to the best of our ability. Acceptance is based (1) the thing happened already and you are unable to change it, (2) faith that everything happens for a reason and something good may come of this, and (3) it is out of your control.
The third step is Practical Response. This means you have to handle the situation. Regardless of what happens, you have to handle it. You are able to handle the situation like a cool, calm firefighter because you went through step two, which is acceptance. By moving quickly into step three, you avoid the pitfalls of complaining.
The fourth step after you handle the circumstance, involves taking a minute to yourself. Ask your heart, “What did I learn?” Read this next section slowly like a meditation.
Take a deep breath, put your hand on your heart,
take another deep breath, eyes are closed,
one hand on your heart, one hand on your belly.
Take another deep breath.
Drop your awareness into your heart center.
Focus your attention in the area of your heart.
Focus on creating an all loving, all nurturing, all accepting,
open environment
Then allow your heart beat to come through your chest
to the palm of your hand.
When you can feel your heartbeat,
ask yourself, to your heart,
“What did I learn?”
Wait for the response.
Ask, “Anything else?”
Repeat until your heart is complete.
Grass only grows with rain. The rainbow only comes after the rain. Through the occurrence of negative circumstances we learn important lessons in life and move forward in our psychological and spiritual development. There could be multiple learnings in any given circumstance.
The fifth step is Gratitude for what you learned. This step helps build on what you just learned in acceptance.
“I am grateful for_______(fill the blank with what your heart said in step four) because it adds ____ to my life.”
Imagine if you were competing to get on the soccer team and you had been training and anticipating how much fun you and your friends would have together. When the list comes out, you realize your name is off the list while your friends are on the team. Your initial reaction may be sadness, shock, disappointment, frustration, and even grief. Without the Acceptance Model: you are in a state of distress. With the Acceptance Model: You decide to accept that this happened. You take a deep breath, shrug your shoulders and really come into deep acceptance this actually happened. You choose to practically respond first by congratulating your friends who made the team. Then you ask your heart, what did you learn in this situation? You may learn how to keep your head high in the face of loss. You are grateful for learning how to be confident and proud when you did your best because it adds dignity to your life. Dignity means valuing yourself for what you, what you believe in, and how you live your life. It allows you to move on to something else that is fun without lingering in the distress. In a state of gratitude, you can move forward to find your next pursuit. Sweet smile, peace of heart, peace of mind. In which situation are you happier – in distress or in dignity?
A happiness student reported she had a bad day at work every single day before she implemented the Acceptance Model. Choosing acceptance as a way of life removes the struggle and allows your life to gently flow with ease around you.
Practice these acceptance tools every day for ninety days.
Choose to Accept
Accept
Practical Response
Ask your Heart
Gratitude
Exercise: The Acceptance Model (CAPAG)
Write down something outside of your control which creates unhappiness for you.
Example: Loss of a friendship. My friend stopped calling and my feelings are hurt.
Are you ready to enter into the Acceptance Model now with this issue? Make some notes here to decide if this is the best situation for you to address at this time. Does your heart say yes? If you feel unready to accept the situation, you can pick an easier and more light hearted situation. Start with something less intense and easier to deal with now so you can begin to practice the acceptance model.
Example: I am having a bad hair day and feel frustrated.
Now work through all of the steps in the Acceptance Model, writing and speaking your answers.
C: Choose to Accept
I choose to accept… <fill in the issue you highlighted above>
Example: I choose to accept that my friendship has ended.
I choose to accept ____________________________________________________________________
Say the sentence aloud.
Example: I choose to accept that my friendship has ended.
You may feel disharmony in your body. A tightness in your muscles, a general discomfort all over.
Write your sentence one more time.
Example: I choose to accept my friendship is over.
C: _________________________________________
A: Accept
Close your eyes, take a deep breath, put both feet on the ground and focus on relaxing. Draw your attention to your heart center and allow the feelings of acceptance, tranquility, strength, wisdom, serenity, ease, and calm to overcome your whole body. Focus on the feeling of acceptance without any thoughts.
When your whole body is feeling accepting, write about what it was like to shift from the uncomfortable thoughts and emotions, to embody the feeling of acceptance. What was it like to embody acceptance in this moment?
Write down your acceptance of the issues.
Example: I accept the friendship has ended.
A: _________________________________________
If you are still having a difficult time experiencing acceptance, stay with step two. You can also reach out to others for help if you need it. Make sure you truly feel acceptance before you move on to the Practical Response.
P: Practical Response
Brainstorm eight possible responses you could make in order to handle this situation.
Example: I can make a new friend. I can focus on myself. I can write 25 feelings of gratitude for my friend who I lost (I am grateful for my friend because they added_____to my life.), I can call another friend, etc.
Choose the one you like the best. Write down your practical response that you can commit to doing today.
P:_________________________________________________________________________
A: Ask your Heart
The 4th step is to ask your heart, “What did I learn?” and inquire deep within to collect the lesson from the situation. Follow up by asking yourself, “Anything else?” over and over until you have found all possible learnings from this situation.
Write down each of the lessons you gathered from your heart.
Example: I had the chance to focus on a friendship with someone else. I remembered the good times I had with my friend.
Write down your favorite lesson.
A: _________________________________________
G: Gratitude for learning
The 5th step is cultivating gratitude for what you learned in this process.
Example: I am grateful for the chance to focus on a new friend and that added more friends and happiness to my life. I am grateful to remember the good memories of my friend and that added warm feelings to my life.
I am grateful for learning ______ <fill in your favorite lesson from step 4>_________ because it adds ______ to my life.
I am grateful for learning __________________________________________________ because it adds _______________________
_________________ to my life.
What were the things added to your life? Write them down.
Example: happiness, warm feelings, etc.
G: _________________________________________
Are these additions to your life worth working towards? In other words, do you want more?
If yes, practice the CAPAG five times a day in non-challenging moments for one week and write about it below. Non-challenging moments are minor frustrations or small challenges you might face each day. Example: you poured your cereal and realized you were out of milk. Remember to do this five times a day – you can set an alarm on your phone to go off once an hour for the first five hours of your day. The more you practice the CAPAG on smaller challenges, the better prepared you will be to take on bigger ones.
Remember to use your Happiness Protocol sheet from section 1 to keep track of when you practice these skills so you can overcome any challenges in life. Whatever your challenge may be, there is an opportunity to overcome it by using the tools.